


101 ways to piss Batman off

by orphan_account



Category: Batman (Movies - Nolan), Batman - All Media Types
Genre: Crack, Funny, Gen, Humour
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-01-30
Updated: 2014-01-30
Packaged: 2018-01-10 14:01:42
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,315
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1160533
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Welcome to 101 ways to piss Batman off! Here you can journey with the Joker to find ways of pissing Batman off and make his life hell while you enjoy his pain from afar! Or maybe upclose. You can torment the people around him too!</p><p>Moved here from my ff.net account, enjoy!</p>
            </blockquote>





	101 ways to piss Batman off

Chapter 1*: Chapter 1

 

A/N: Welcome to the first chapter of 101 ways to piss Batman off! I hope you like it!

1\. The toothpaste incident

The first thing Bruce sees when he walks blearily into the bathroom in the morning is the Joker. In a Batman T-shirt and heart covered boxers. And bunny slippers.

He stood there, in shock, until all hell breaks loose.

"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING HERE!" Bruce yells in a gruff voice, and jumps and grabs the Joker's throat, only to have the man look at him quizzically, and tilt his head to the side.

"Hi Bats!" The Joker spits the toothbrush out and giggled. Bruce's heart sunk. The Joker knows who he is. The people around him is not safe anymore. He snaps out of his panic and punches the Joker in his face.

"How did you get in here." Bruce asks, his face a calm mask but for glimpses of the fury behind it.

The Joker laughs. Loudly, a wheezing sound like a hyena high on crack. Not that Bruce knew what that sounded like.

"HOW. DID. YOU. GET. HERE!" Bruce grabs the front of the Joker's shirt, only to notice the

I-heart-Batman plastered over his face. "The front door?" The Joker suggests, before shoving Bruce away.

"Get out, darling, I have to put on my make up." The clown chirps as he skips to the mirror, examining his face. Bruce stares at him. The Joker looks disturbingly normal, apart from the scars. His blond hair is mostly tinged with green, and his face is more tan than pale. Dark circles lies beneath his eyes and his scars still twists up into a fanatical grin and-is that freckles?

Snapping back into reality, Bruce strode forward, stopping the Joker from tossing everything from his cupboards onto the floor.

"Get out of my house." Bruce grits out, hands curling up into fists. The Joker threw his toothpaste at him.

Batman squeezed the tube and threw it back to the Joker.

"Ooh, mean" The Joker chuckles and grabs another tube of toothpaste. He jumps, knocking Bruce onto the floor and proceeds to smear toothpaste into his hair. Batman growls and flips the Joker over, and wipe toothpaste onto his face.

The Joker greets him with a feral grin that says 'it's on.'

When Alfred walks into the bathroom the first thing he sees is Bruce holding the Joker down with a victorious smirk and smearing toothpaste in the Joker's hair, shirtless. The surface of the bathroom is covered with toothpaste of all colours and empty tubes are strewn across the floor.

"I think I should leave you to it, master Bruce." Alfred remarks with a dry voice and both men on the floor whips around to face him.

Alfred stalks out of the room, to the sound of Bruce screeching "IT'S NOT WHAT YOU THINK IT IT IS!" and the Joker's hysterical laughter.

 

 

*Chapter 2*: Chapter 2

 

A/N: In this fic Rachel hasen't died yet. The Joker decides that his game to piss Batman off would be funnier if she is there. Which means Harvey is not disfigured yet and will also be involved.

2\. Pole dancing.

Rachel Dawes stares in horror at the man clad in the purple suit in front of her. Tied to a chair, she has no choice but follow through whatever sick game he has planned. They were in a large warehouse, a steel pole sticking out of the ground directly in front of her.

"What a-are you planning?" She asks, her voice shaking. "Wouldn't you like to know, Rachy~" He giggles.

He taps the CD player next to him, and it starts to play soft, sensual, porno music. The clown smirks and walks up to the metal pole. Rachel's jaw hits the floor as he swings a leg over the pole and throws his purple coat at her.

The coat went over her face and she hears the Joker swear under his breath. He runs over and picks the coat off her face and grins. "You like the show?" He leers.

Rachel raises her eyebrows. "Batman will save me." The Joker rolls his eyes. "Whatever, lady." And he skips back to the pole, swings his leg over it and twirls.

And twirls. Rachel has to admit that this guy is good. As the Joker bends over the pole she has to bite her lips. As much as she hates the clown for coming into Gotham and bring it burning to the ground, he does have a nice butt.

Rachel soon finds out that the Joker is flexible. Very flexible. It was when he was just about to start another move when Batman crashes in.

"Let her go." He growls before realising the scene in front of him. The Joker, tie and a few buttons undone, clutching onto a metal pole, and Rachel, tied to a chair, watching with wide eyes and flush cheeks at the man.

"Your wish is my command, Batsy!" The Joker skids over and untied her. He turns around and winks at Batman.

With a roar, Batman leaps after the man as he howled with glee as Batman pins him to the floor. "Too bad you missed the show, bats. I can always give you a private lap dance." He smacks his lips.

Batman stands up and shoves the Joker away. He blows a kiss at Batman and runs. Batman turns over to Rachel.

"I need to teach Harvey how to dance like that." She stated, and Batman just stares at her.

 

* * *

 

"Hey Bruce?" Harvey says as they settle in for a double date. Bruce with a pretty model whose name he barely knows and Harvey with Rachel. "Yes?" He asks Harvey, last night's scene fresh in his mind.

"Do you know how to pole dance?" He asks, Rachel dissolving into a fit of giggles with the model as Bruce spits out his drink.

 

 

*Chapter 3*: Chapter 3

 

3\. Lick your face

Batman, along with several police officers and SWAT officers corners the Joker in a dark alleyway.

"Ooh, I remember some, ah, storiees starting this way, hehe!"

The officers kept their guns trained on the crazed man, a few younger members sweating nervously.

Then, without any hesitation, the Joker sat up and licked Batman's face. A long swipe, from the corner of his mouth to the edge of the mask. Batman drops the Joker on the floor out of shock and disgust.

"Ahaha ha hehe heho Aha!" The Joker's laughter rang through the night sky, the guns still focusing on him. Batman picks him up, growls at him and cuffs the clown.

"Not even a goodbye kiss?" The Joker pouted as he was handed to the police and carted off to Arkham. Batman ignores him, eye twitching. At least the clown will be out of public sight.

The next morning, Bruce wakes up to a news broadcast of the Joker escaping police custody. Someone has managed to stick the 'licking Batman's face' story in and the media is stirring up a storm over this, as Alfred has pointed out, an amused look on his face.

"Fuck."

"You shouldn't use language like that, master Bruce."

Damn him and his pleasant Britishness.

 

 

*Chapter 4*: Chapters 4 & 5

 

4 & 5\. Pink really, really suits you, an you really, really need a good kick

"You look like you need a break today, master Bruce."

Bruce slams his head down onto his table again. "You know I can't, Alfred, if the Joker kills someone again..."

Alfred rests a hand on his ward's shoulder. "You deserve a break." Anyone can tell the man's concern for Bruce.

"Gotham needs Batman."

Alfred raises is eyebrows, but nods in agreement. "And Gotham needs Batman to be at his best." He is always skilled at arguing a point with Bruce.

Bruce stalks to the elevator and mutters an agreement under his breath. Alfred sighed. The man is always so stubborn.

 

* * *

 

"..."

"Hey Batsss! You miss me?"

The Joker trows away the paint brush in his hand and held out his arms, asking for a hug.

"C'mon! No kiss hello?!" He makes a kissing noise.

"Why." Batman hisses. "Is my suit pink?" The painted man turns to the painted suit and shrugged.

"Pink, uh, really really suits you, Batty~" He giggles. Batman punches him in the face, and he just laughs.

"C-can't take a joke, can you, Batman?" He spits out blood and howls in laughter. Batman feels a twist of guilt. All the mad man did was play a prank on him. A harmless prank. Although annoying, the paint can be washed out. But the Joker's crime cannot be.

He hurls the Joker up by his collar.

"You are going to Arkham." He does his best to sound calm. Breath in, breath out.

"You don't have your suit, batty!" The clown shouts gleefully, and kicks Batman in the groin.

Doubling over with pain, Bruce drops the Joker and the madman took off, running to the elevator.

Bruce cursed. What if Alfred meets the Joker!

Calming himself, he takes the machine, cursing every second it takes to get upstairs.

"Alfred!"

Alfred turns over, looking as fine as he could be. "Yes, master Bruce?"

"The Joker! He-" Bruce cuts himself off. "Fuck."

"I think you mean that young man who just ran out of the front door."

"I have to catch him. Take the situation in hand." He turns to the elevator, freezing as he remembers that his suit has been painted a bright shade of pink. He reaches down and smooths the front of his pants, wincing at the thought of the kick. Alfred raises an eyebrow.

"I hope you are not taking the situation in hand that way, master Bruce. It is highly inappropriate in the presence of others." Bruce can hear the amusement dripping from his mentor's words.

"He kicked me in the balls, Alfred! And painted my suit pink as well!" Bruce shouts, loud enough for his voice to echo around the room. Lucky it is soundproof.

"Oh my." Alfred struggles to keep his face impassive. "Looks like you will really need to rest then, master Bruce. Pink might just be too bright in the night light, and you can't run too fast with your, ah, problem down under."

Bruce scowls like a disgruntled teenager, but stalks off back to his room.

The next morning, Bruce finds out from the news that the Joker has killed three mobsters, and their bodies laid, painted pink in the middle of a street. He loses his appetite.

A/N: I have to show the Joker killing at least some people in this fic, after all. Despite the humour our favourite clown is still quite a killer. ;D

This time I treat you all to a double prank from our clown prince of crime! He would like to thank you all for reviewing!

 

 

*Chapter 5*: Chapter 6

 

6\. Of attorneys and pies

"Heyy Harv, how's it goin'?" The Joker looks down at the blond man and sees the determination and righteous anger in his eyes. Not bad. He thinks. When this one breaks it would be glorious, but for now, his favourite DA is here for another purpose.

"What do you want?!" The attorney spat at the Joker.

"Ya know, that's not a really nice way to talk, Harv." He shoves a gun by Harvey's temple and hands him a pie. Harvey turns to see a wheelbarrow of cream pies behind him.

"When we see the Batman, I wan' you to throw this at him, ok?" Harvey glares and nods.

"Let. Him. Go." The Joker laughs at Batman and Harvey takes it as a cue, mouthing a sorry at Batman, and he throws.

'Blurp.' The pie slides down Batman's cowl. Harvey throws another pie, and Batman rushes towards him, grabbing the Joker by the neck.

"Hi!" The Joker slams a pie into Batman's face. Harvey throws another just for good measure. Batman turns around and stares, and all he can to is rub his neck and look embarrassed.

The Joker takes to chance and runs away.

 

* * *

 

When Bruce has a double date with Harvey and Rachel and another pretty model, he tries his best not to glare at Harvey.

They had pie for dessert, and all Bruce wants to do is cry.

A/N: I just love writing these little bits at the end lol.

 

*Chapter 6*: Chapter 7

7\. Just dance.

"A-are you sure you wanna do this, Boss?" A hench clown stutters. The Joker shoots him an annoyed look. The kid is lucky he can cook so well, or else he would be a bloody mess on the floor right now, at the rate the kid runs his mouth.

"I am sure. Now get on with it. I wanna watch." The Joker grins and the hench clowns shudders.

They walk out in the street and people start to scream. A clown put down a boom box on the floor, and the other clowns got into position. The Joker is in a building somewhere, watching with glee.

The recording starts to play.

"This i-is for Batman." The hench clown at the front says into a microphone. Music starts to play, and the crowd gapes as the Joker's clowns starts to dance to Lady Gaga's 'Just Dance."

They swirled around in obviously choreographed movements, dancing to the beat of the music. A few people took out their phones and started to film the progression.

That is until the police arrived and starts to arrest the clowns, the faster ones managing to get away. They know the Joker will pay them a large sum of money for doing this.

Bruce gawks at the television screen, showing the Joker's henchmen dancing. He hears that it is dedicated to him, and groans inwardly.

Alfred starts laughing and dancing to the TV, to Bruce's embarrassment.


End file.
